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Codependency  Print [PDF] Version
Treating the Family
Traditionally, the focus in treatment for those with
substance abuse problems has been on the substance abuser, not on
the family members surrounding him. Treatment professionals did
not realize that the substance abuser had a profound effect on
family members and others who often developed problems and
unhealthy behavior patterns of their own as a reaction to the
substance abuser. Not until alcoholism became recognized as a
disease did treatment begin to address the problems of the whole
family and its individual members, not just those of the
substance abuser.
Codependency's origins can be traced to assessments of how
non-alcoholic family members were affected by a family member's
alcoholism. The term codependency later came to include exposure
to life in any dysfunctional family, not just an alcoholic
family. A dysfunctional family is Defined as a family that
functions in abnormal and unhealthy ways. Dysfunctional families
include those having other substance abuse problems such as
cocaine addiction or unhealthy behavior patterns such as incest
or spouse abuse.
In dysfunctional families it is natural for family members
to care for and be affected by the member who has a substance
abuse or serious behavior problem. As this member's problems
become more serious and unresolved, the family members become
more a affected and react intensely. This is a reactionary
process in which the family members/involved people see the
substance abuser or unhealthy member destroying himself. As a
result,they become compulsively "dependent" on similar
destructive behavior patterns of their own, such as work addiction, eating disorders, or
unhealthy relationships with one person or many people.
Characteristics of Codependency
Groups who are at high risk for codependency are spouses of
substance abusers, people who are recovering from substance abuse
themselves, adult children of alcoholics, work addicted people
and their families, and professionals who work with addicted
persons. As a result of being raised in a dysfunctional family
or having constant exposure to one, individuals in these high
risk groups exhibit many codependent characteristics.
LOW SELF ESTEEM AND EXTERNAL REFERENCING
Codependents can be addicted to relationships in the same way
alcoholics use alcohol --to get a "fix" or "high". They feel
they have no meaning or self- worth in and of themselves, and are
worth while only in relation to someone else. Codependents may
respond only to external cues, not to internal feelings or
perceptions.
CLINGING RELATIONSHIPS
Each person in a codependent relationship often cannot
survive without the other. Neither person functions
independently. The codependent spouse (often involved with a
substance abuser) finds security in this type of relationship
even though it is unhealthy.
LACK OF BOUNDARIES
Codependents may not recognize themselves as separate people
with separate emotions and ideas. They are so externally
oriented that they'take on" other people's emotions, such as
anger, as their own and do not recognize that this is happening.
Codependents do not know where they "end" and others "begin."
IMPRESSION MANAGEMENT
Codependents may believe they can control others impressions
of them. They constantly strive to present themselves as "good"
people and always worry what others think of them.
MISTRUST OF PERCEPTIONS
Codependents dismiss their impressions of situations unless
these impressions have been externally validated by someone else.
Even if the codependent has very clear perceptions and ideas,
another person's perception is trusted instead of their own.
CARETAKING
Codependents have low self-esteem and are externally
oriented. As a result, they often become caretakers of others
(such as substance abusers) and neglect themselves. The person
being cared for is not allowed to take care of himself or meet the
needs of the codependent.
ADDICTIONS
Codependents can often develop chemical dependencies
themselves or become addicted to such things as food, power, or
work. These nonchemical addictions provide the same type of
"fix" as the one received by a substance abuser. These
dependencies are destructive and need to be recognized and
treated also.
FEELINGS
Codependents become so preoccupied in fulfilling the
expectations of others that they lose touch with their own
feelings. They allow themselves to experience only acceptable
feelings, such as compassion, and to ignore negative feelings
such as anger. In a chemically-dependent/dysfunctional family,
feelings often become 'frozen" or totally ignored because the
reality of the situation becomes too painful.
Stages of Recovery
Recovery from codependence can be achieved through a
successful combination of professional treatment and self care.
In seeking professional treatment, codependents must be careful
to choose a therapist who recognizes that the codependent is in
need of therapy for his own codependent problems, not only in
relation to other family members who may have substance abuse or
behavior problems.
There are four essential stages a codependent experiences in
recovery. These closely parallel the recovery stages of a
substance abuser.
- Denial Stage. The codependent denies that a substance abuse
or serious behavioral problem exists in the family.
Consequently, the codependent denies that he is experiencing
any individual problems.
- Acceptance Stage. The codependent begins to acknowledge his
own unhealthy behavior patterns and take responsibility for
them. He accepts the fact that he is "codependent" and that
his life has become un-manageable.
- Core Issues Stage. The codependent accepts that he is
unable to control the behavior of others and that successful
relationships allow each person in the relationship to be
independent.
- Reintegration Stage. Codependents learn to believe that
they are worthwhile in themselves and that being worthy is
not something that must be "earned" through particular
behavior patterns or relationships with others.
Self Care
In addition to seeking professional treatment and working
through the recovery stages with a trained therapist,
codependents can take additional self-care steps to aid their
recover
- Detachment. Codependents can learn to separate themselves
from unhealthy relationships with others in order to work on
their own recovery.
- Removing the Victim Image. Codependents acknowledge that
they are not victims and have the power to create positive
change.
- Independence. The codependent learns to trust himself and
realize that he can care for himself without help from
others.
- Living Your Own Life. Codependents begin to focus on
themselves and their own goals instead of focusing
exclusively on others.
- Accepting Reality. The codependent acknowledges and accepts
the problems in his life in order to begin solving them.
- Experiencing Feelings. In dysfunctional families,
codependents learn to deny feelings in order to survive.
Recovery involves getting in touch with emotions and
accepting them, both negative and positive.
- Setting Goals. As codependents shift their focus from
others to their own lives, they realize that they can
accomplish goals and create self- fulfillment.
- Working a Twelve-Stop Program. Created by Alcoholics
Anonymous, twelve-step programs are designed and adapted to
help anyone recovering from their own dependencies or those
of others through the structure and support of a self-help
group.
Codependence Within our Culture
Our culture encourages codependent behaviors by reinforcing
values which are unhealthy for individuals. Unhealthy values
include:
- Materialism. Our culture focuses on external factors such
as money and possessions, and relates them to a person's
worth. Individuals come to believe they are worthy
because of what they have, rather than because of the type
of person they are. Consequently, when a codependent person
experiences problems, he may seek an external
solution (such as a chemical substance or destructive
behavior) to solve his internal problems
- Perfection. Perfection is sought in all areas of our
society such as work, academic performance, beauty, and most
importantly, through relationships. This sets the
codependent up for failure because people are imperfect and
cannot excel to perfection in these areas. Consequently,
codependents have difficulty accepting themselves, their
achievements, and their relationships because they are
"imperfect."
- Separation of Feeling from Rational Thought. Individuals in
our society are encouraged to "think" and not "feel," as if
these processes are separate and distinct and feelings don't
count. Denial of feelings is ex-tremely harmful to
codependents because they lose touch with themselves and
become incapable of self-fulfillment.
Internal Focus is Critical
To recover and become healthy, the codependent person must
shift from an external focus (on other people, relationships,
work, food, or power) to an internal focus (on his own feelings,
needs, goals, and desires). The codependent learns that healthy
behavior and self-fulfillment can be achieved by knowing,
accepting, and trusting in himself as an independent person, and
not by becoming dependent on something or someone else.
Funds for this document are provided by the Substance Abuse Program Office, Florida Department of Children and Families contract #LD079.
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